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Jerry the Giraffe

Too hot, hot damn call the police and the fireman……scrap that call a bloody ambulance!

I always feel slightly apprehensive when trying something new, but I tend to trust in my ability to keep my head up and put one foot in front of the other. Hot yoga was on the itinerary today. I was shortly going to be walking into a class I knew nothing about. All I’ve ever heard is that it’s brutal. Despite never trying any type of yoga I was confident it’ll be okay and was quite excited.

Walking into the studio reception just in time to sign our lives away (It’s always a concern when you need to put your next of kin on a form) It was at this point I felt pretty confident that it would be okay considering the fellow nutters were mostly on the later end of being middle aged.

Walking up the stairs to the studio I could already feel the dry heat creeping from the entrance. Karen went first, then I took my first step in. It was like walking into a sauna at it’s limit. We proceeded to find some floor space and lay our mats. We found the only two spaces left near the front. Clearly looking like novices, a couple of the regulars kindly offered to swap places because apparently the “professionals” all stand at the front. I almost took offence at the thought that I didn’t pass as a professional until I looked in the giant mirror at the front of the studio. Quickly realising that I look more like a guy down the pub telling all his mates how he’s an elite athlete whilst sinking a beer and scoffing a bag of crisp. I welcomed the offer and quickly took up position.

I’ve never taken part in any exercise class where your sweating before you even start.

Fifteen minutes in and I’m think god that was a good workout, we will be cooling down soon with some meditation. I will have a big gulp of water and I can tell everyone how I bossed it. Then the instructor says right that’s the warmup done! I looked at Karen slightly puzzled and she mouthed the words “I’m so sorry” This is when you know it’s going pear shaped.

I genuinely have never sweated so much in my life and I’ve done plenty of HIIT sessions, ran in hot weather, Karate lessons in the middle of the summer etc..but this was another level. The guys/gals at the front were naturally twisting their bodies in ways I couldn’t even fathom while I was just trying to avoid passing out. The instructor who at this point may as well been a giraffe considering the mild hallucinations that started to creep in often told us to breath and drink water. I did at points feel the need to stop Jerry the giraffe and say ‘excuse me but my water bottle has floated downstream on the river of sweat from your students’ I would have felt pretty silly putting my hand up so I just used my new Lilo which I’m sure was a yoga mat when I walked in to paddle to my water bottle.

Thirty minutes in and I felt like I was starting to get it. My trusty ability to smile in the face of adversity and keep moving through the pain has come through. I was enjoying the class and seemed to be doing okay. The rest of the class I managed to keep breathing, my water bottle had an anchor to keep it in place and all I had to concentrate on now was to not let one rip in close proximity to people suffering as much as I was. Thankfully I passed. We got to the warm down (if there is such a thing in a sauna). We cracked a window, none of the cool air hit me but I couldn’t care less I was just happy I survived the white water rafting on a Lilo through a safari park and I didn’t wake any lions with a fart.

It was a great experience; I would recommend it and I will do it again. That’s one off the list.


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